My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
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Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
How software testing works
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ