waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Interior design 👌
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll