Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.