probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
secret recipe
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”