probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.