Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”