Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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