Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
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The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Every. Damn. Time.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.