“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog