if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume