*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.