If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch