was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
what’s really going on
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.