*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body