Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there