My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The struggle is real
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6