My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
guilty
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear