Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Shower sex be like:
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I can’t stop watching this.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …