Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
The government even made aliens boring
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.