Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Seems legit
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
i will not be silenced
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point