GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
You Might Also Like
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.