@_radsy

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

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@famouscrab

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

@Marcmywords2

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

@House_Feminist

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@mydmac

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

@FormerChild

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

@IamJackBoot

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.