you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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I don’t like Russian dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.