I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.