If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.