ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My favorite farside!!