ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

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[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job


Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.


Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.


My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.


i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved


If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.


Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.


When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”


*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now


[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human