Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
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optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Catercrombie & Fish
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
How dude HOW?!