@AnniemuMary

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

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@tashboydell

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

@PaperWash

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

@tanyakyi

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

@TuSoonShakur

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

@laurascaz

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

@Social_Mime

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.