When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.