A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms