@sonictyrant

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

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@iwearaonesie

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

@iwearaonesie

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@TheWadest

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

@Megatronic13

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

@Darlainky

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

@TheDeadfishSays

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

@elliothetherton

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

@Book_Krazy

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?