Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is