My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
mood
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.