mood
You Might Also Like
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine