I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I missed you with all my darts
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough