AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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me linking you to my twitter
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Yup
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
No, YOUR illiterate.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.