the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred