Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.