Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.