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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.