I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.