I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.