So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Risking my life for fun.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak