Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You Might Also Like
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to