Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Finally, an explanation.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
selena gomez
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up