Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
don’t we all
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
How is it still this week?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best