@baseballchickie First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
@AngelaEhh Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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@baseballchickie 
@djdarrellripley My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
@krisv_723 Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
@JeffMightBWrong Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
@TitansHomer I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
@Lovestained555 *amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
@semple42 I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
@EJGomez son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
@TheTimmyToes (car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
@KelleysBreakRm When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.