@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
@AngelaEhh Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@HappyHijabbi Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
@subtweetopath [2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
@mejustbeth Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
@MrAndrewRosas Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
@OkieGirl405 Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
@DaddyJew I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
@AnkCoupleTO Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
@tylerschmall Employees must applaud the planets.
@AmishSuperModel I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.