Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex


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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)


My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.


Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.


I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.


*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*


I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.


son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn


(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*


When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.