Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.