Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
🤣🤣🤣
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay