Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“I’m helping” 😅
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago