My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Has science gone too far?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.