Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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The Backseat Boys
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
do what now??
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*