[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.