When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.