Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
You Might Also Like
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”