I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
You Might Also Like
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.