the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”