teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
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[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number